I have several journal entries or rough drafts for this post.
During the last four months of 2018, I wanted to move forward, yet I had no idea how to do so; other than to fully appreciate what I currently had and how far I had come.
At the beginning of 2019 things started to unfold. An old friend and I reconnected, the perfect opportunity for my career popped up, my oldest had finally started to come around, I acquired a more reliable car, and R “came out” and finally started coming out of his room more.
These were all things that I had pictured, talked about, and written about.
I can write and post about all my struggles, yet to write and share about my appreciation and gratitude has not been an easy thing.
It felt like boosting.
However, I have learned over the last nine months that writing about what is good more often than writing about what has plagued us bring better results.
Appreciation vs. Love
To my boyfriend:
When you got hurt and my mind raced to all the things that could have gone wrong. My fears of reliving my mother’s story.
When I was driving to the hospital, my thoughts were on what if you had died, you would never have known how I feel about you.
Although I had not been ready to say “I love you”… I appreciate you so much. I am thankful for you because you are the first man that was honest. Your actions match the words and the truths that danced above our heads. I am able to be my whole self with you.
I felt so blessed every time we got a chance to hang out or I got a text that said, “Kisses beautiful.” And even more blessed now that I get fall asleep to your breathing… your heart beat.
I haven’t really told you that “I love you” because those words don’t feel adequate. Those words from any other man have fallen short, probably from my own expectation of what I thought love was.
I have had young love, drunk love, lustful love, and obligated love.
I have never had a love that was wrapped up with gratitude and appreciation.
Before the “I love yous” are said, I want you to understand how blessed I feel to have you in my life and to have your arms hold me tight. That I am so thankful that I am comfortable with you to know If I couldn’t, you could and that when you can’t, I will. I appreciate everything that makes you you.