This time was for me. Despite, knowing that there are people that going to say I deserve it.
Trust me there are parts of me that feels like I did.
The laws of Karma, right. I accept this as a Karmic lesson that I planned.
I am very good at putting the blame back on myself. I made choices. I knew what I was getting into. I know who he is, and I fell in love him repeatedly. I would just get to this place of moving forward and I’d let him pull me back in again and again. I was a willing participant.
I responded to his message “I’m single” and I let him back into heart and my life, way too fast and way to soon. I wanted to lead with heart this time; not with my brain or vagina.
I believed in the words that he was saying to me and for the first couple of months they were full of action. Although, there were moments that I felt like what I was saying was not be heard, it out weighted the way my heart felt. The way he looked at me and told me it was always me. When he stopped the car in the middle of the street and told me he wanted to marry me. I said, “Fuck you, drive” He pleaded with how serious he was, and I bought into it.
The memories of the first time he said, “I love you.” rushed back to me.
Unconditional love or…
As things continued to get serious, I started recognizing patterns of the past. Actions that were all too familiar. Abruptly as if it was switch he was able to turn off, his words were empty of action and short in explanation. His fuse was shorter, and everything was my fault.
“U need to chill” was suddenly his response.
I carried the blame and faults during my entire marriage, and this was the road he and I were headed. It was NOT a road I wanted to go down again.
Despite of his faults, I wanted this to be real. I wanted the world to see that man I fell in love with in private. That there was this whole other part of this man and I was lucky enough to see. I have thought many things about this man that I love, and in time I will be able to say loved; but I never thought he was a coward. Now, I do.
It didn’t have to end that way it did.
Because of that event I will not let him into heart or my life ever again. Because now it feels like a cruel game and I release myself from this torture. I am tired of the energy. This relationship was once sexually freeing is now so wrapped in games and lies.
It doesn’t even matter if any of it was real.
Again, I was starting to feel like a secret, a place for him to escape.
I spent most of my life feeling like the rooms were full things left unsaid and unfelt.
I felt like my dad’s family treated me like secret child. I have kept silent about both my abuse as a child and an adult. I continue to put myself in these situations to be mistreated over and over again, to repeat this cycle of torture.
During my divorce, as way to help me cope with the actions of my ex, my therapist gave this phrase: “We do what we know”
She never meant for me to unpack my acceptance in that phrase but to better help me understand why others can’t move past their choices.
I chose to unpack here. I chose to not only use this phrase to justify the behaviors of others, but I used it to justify my own. I realize now that I let him keep my marital wounds open. For all the old secrets that he reminded me off, the ones I had healed. I let them become real again. I let myself be convinced that this was how it was because this is what I knew, it was familiar.
But if I know better than I can chose to do the unknown.
I used this phrase as excuse not to publish because the groups of people that once cherished made me feel wrong in the things that felt. I let others convince me that my writing and art was done out of loneliness, even though at the time I didn’t feel lonely.
Emotional and vulnerable, yes.
I felt misunderstood.
For the recorded I am not lonely. I want to surround myself with people who embrace me for the unique way I see and feel the world even if it appears foolish in the end. Because it’s okay to have loved and to have tried.
There are not a lot of things I need but I needed to give him this chance. I needed to feel it and I needed to know.
I accept my role as the fool, but I am also the lover, the empress, the magician, the healer, the artist, and the writer.
He was able to see all of those in me, but he was only able to burn the fool. The rest remains intact.
I will no longer participate in his wicked game.