Dear 18-year-old me,
The whole world is in front of you. I am so proud of the person you will become. You are stronger and braver than you know. Eventually, the world will catch up to your way of thinking.
You were never meant to be in a small pond, so be courageous enough to be a small fish in the big sea.
First, you will someday want to be the weight you were when you thought you were fat.
I know how much you wanted to travel, throw everything in your car and drive. That the fear of leaving your mother forced you to stay. I know that you feel that you are your mother’s keeper. You are not responsible for her choices or her wounds; she can survive without you. Although, It will take another 18 years for you to learn that. It never should have been your responsibility to heal her.
Your sister will always struggle with her addiction. Your relationship will only be close as long as she can use you. Her addiction is not your fault, no matter how much she will try to blame you.
Your dad’s other daughter will try to connect with you out of a sense of “family.” You will never be able to undo her mother’s stories about your existence. She will always believe she is better than you. She is not and will not bring you closer to your father.
You will get married young and become a mother too young. You will get stretchmarks, and hate being pregnant. You will feel like a failure many times. Motherhood is not a job for the faint of hearts. You will want to give up and feel unbelievable guilt.
Your children will be just as unique as you are and become amazing people.
You will make it to college and discover yourself in that process.
You will stay married for your kids longer than you should have, but you will, with grace, end that marriage.
The grace you carry will help you negative the shitty family members you choose in this lifetime. This is your superpower!
Unfortunately, you will be attracted to the same characteristic of your uncles and mom. Do not be horrified. What did you expect? They are your role models. Go to therapy and learn to deal with this.
Set boundaries.
Take adventures.
Lean into fear is not as scarier as it is in your head.
Spend more time with the family you do like, as some of them will die way too soon, and you wish you had done more.
Stop protecting everyone’s feelings at the expense of your own.
Stand your ground and stick to your boundaries; it’s not selfish.
Have sex a lot of it; it doesn’t make you a slut or a whore. Fuck anyone who will say that it does!
Your strength and independence will attract many men who will try to break you.
Yes, one or two will.
Reminder: Do NOT ever date a Republican, a Farmer, or a hunter.
You don’t deserve to be treated as if you are less than others because you are a woman; give those men a reason to fear you, not the other way around.
Keep picking yourself up; all the mistakes, missteps, and setbacks will make you wiser.
Most of all, be kind to yourself; you are loveable.
Love from your 42 year old self.